FRiends VS Betrayal... (Boring post)

Hi, feel good to write again.. it’s been a long day since I last write the post,, since it feels scary to me that anyone might be reading my post even though I never gave this blog’s link to other people,, It’s spooky but I always have this fear.

                Let’s talk about betrayal and all the things that got in between in it. Hate to say this, but I know some of the BFF I have did betray me once in a while, it’s obvious. But what can I say?? I’ve been through this a lot, I have a lot of friends that have betrays me, not only friends that I have, but also family, especially my cousins…yeah, better watch out cause we can’t trust other people.  

                My so called BFF(oh is it really BFF?), from all the level of education I’ve been, always betray me. My high school friend, my matrix friends, and even my uni friends, there have been not even once in my life that people being sincere to me. From my elementary years, I don’t really have one, since my dad keep on transfer, and I transfer school too often, but one thing for sure, they are also from the popular clique, well, I never been too far from the popular clique. Probably I look most pathetic there.  I never feel it that way. To be honest, I think I never had a real friend in my life, or maybe I was blind or whatsoever, but I feel it that way. And I just being dumb and forgive them, as if nothing happen, and treating them like normal. I guess that is why I always being cold and doesn’t talk much. And even I do appear like I am telling everything to every single BFF I have, the truth is, there are things that I keep to myself, only me, no one else, most probably if ever need to talk about it, it will be on this blog, or perhaps, any animal that I have, at least, they can’t tell it to another human being. And probably the reasons why I have built this tall and thick wall, probably as thick as the Great Wall of China around me, so that no one can really came near me, the nearest they can get is 5cm close and there is still a spell that I casted long ago… =P

                My high school friends, from my form 1-form 2, I have this group of friends, most of them are popular girl at school. We are close, but we never really hangout outside of school. Why? Because I was jailed in the house. I don’t have anything fun that I can remember when I was in the high school. My whole life is being blocked by my mum, she is the queen and all I can do is to listen to her. But back then, I was not as rebellious as I am now. Up to form 3, my class has changed, got new friends and I thought that she is a real close friend. We are quite close up until form 5. We always be seen together, but yes, there are walls, we didn’t really tell each other secret, because we don’t trust each other, and plus, we are actually competitors with each other. My situation is like, people like to be friends with me but at the same time, they always got something to hate about me, eventually we are just friends with benefit. But the miserable thing is actually happen in the matrix. Where I actually enroll for 1 yr program and she had 2 yrs program. That’s when she feel defeated and decide to being a jerk and ignore me, and we did stop being friends for 2 years and only back to what is used to be when she got into the uni. And I, just make it as if nothing had happened before and still being her friend. Well, just let it be, she was once a friend, and will always be one, plus, I have a lot of other friends around if she decide to leave again. And I still going to welcome her if she wants to be friends again.

                My uni friends, actually they are the people who are a lot closer to me. they are the bestest friends I ever had. We open up a bit, being crazy a lot, and have fun a lot for all this while. But there are some particular friend that betrayed the rest of us, and did major damage to all of us. Probably that person will never get into me again, if she tries, plus, I am just a nobody and a ‘kawan biasa’, no big deal. But apart from that character, there are also someone, who, I can’t trust too much, due to her childishness and unpredictable temper. She always betray me and cursed me when she get mad, but being a nice person when she cools down. I am confused too, but she is a person that I don’t know how to react to this situation. But even though my uni BFF did betray me once in a while, I think that my friendship with them are the best. And the most precious of all. 

Can u keep a secret pt 2

Here’s the story, about that guy I talked abt earlier...Well, based on my personality, and wat ppl generally know, I love handsome guy very much, very2 much, much more than words can say. In fact, based on my crush history and the celebrity crush report, most of them are the most popular guy or handsome guy in the group. TVXQ-Jaejoong, SJ-Siwon, Big Bang- TOP, SS501-hyung jun, Ukiss-Eli… I don’t mind about the body or character, but the face does matter in the first place. Even for the guy I have crush in the past, they are all the popular guy out there. They are at least a leader in group or the person that every girl put an eye on. It’s always like that, mostly they are a leader in some organization and whatever it is, main point is, having the leadership quality and full with charisma…

                But this time, for my surprise, a person appear and give me his attention and he is does not fit the criteria of the ideal guy up there. Not that tall, nor handsome nor leader in anything, I guess, he is not even popular guy, I supposed. But the only charm that I see is that he is very kind, hardworking and very caring and give extra attention to us, and I like that, ‘I am miss attention seeker, hehehehe… so probably I spend more time playing around with him, since I know it’s going to end soon and I don’t want to regret and have bad memories on this LI for this year. Well, things goes well, except, I’m not sure if I like him or what. But I feel like biasa only, not the butterfly in the stomach or racing heartbeat. But I do feel upset if he didn’t give attention to me, or he ignores me, or is not warm enough. And I do feel happy if he came up and joke around. And most of all for all things that remind me of him, I feel happy though, even though in the end, we separated, but still it is sweet enough to be remembered. Truth is, he enter my dream very often juga as watak x penting. There is still hyung jun and Siwon there, he is just a character in the office that I happened to go.

                1 more thing is, he did apologize for not going upstair to check on our progress last week. For no reason, he apologized, but for no reason and nothing else to say, I told him ‘it’s ok.’ That’s funny and cute right? Hahaha…but he is just him. We’re just trying to be nice to each other because we know the end is coming near, and we don’t wanna miss it and regret the things that we could do together. We just go with the flow. Isn’t that nice? Whatever it is, I’m thankful to God for the meeting, it’s nice to know him in a short period of time, and hopefully I could a person like him in the future.

                                                                                                                                                XOXO

                                                                                                                                                    

Fond????

 can u keep a secret???
I think i have a crush on a person but i jz don't knw wat to do? coz i am x sure how we both feel... probably the feeling would fade sooner or later for me,, he probably x into me ...hahaha.... but i seriously think that i will miss him so much these coming few weeks, coz i grow fond of him... he is suh a nice older brother... i miss my brother kot, this causes me to feel this way...either way, probably i have lots of older brother (x really, only 2 left), that i crave for attention from him.... i really love attention, i am attention seeker,, and he gave me ome of this attention during this few weeks in the practical training sesion,, so i guess i just crave for more attention... i really wanting for more... i know this is temporary,,well, as usual, i would give extra attention on someone, until i got tired and bored, or up until the person got tired due to my unresponsiveness, then it will ends... hahahaha...
But still, i seriously gonna miss him, the day we go our separate ways,... ( the end of LI, which is 19 July)... Probably we will never see each other again,,,
but if one day our path crossed and we can finally met again, hopefully we meet in a good ways, since i only wanted good memory with him,,, hehehe.....

SHUT UP!!!!

Every Friday, coming back from the office would be the most sucks moment of my life, every criticism make me feel sick and hate being in this planning course. I wasn’t looking for this, I just doing fine by my own, what is the purpose of taking this course now is more clearer to me, it’s all a waste of time, that is too bad. The people there are fine, as a friend, but not as my colleague. It’s not that they are not good, but I am the one that is not good with people, I can’t cope with people’s reaction over my work, the work that I not satisfy with. And the worst part is, I know what I do, but everything that I do, my friends just reject it, and I started to feel bad about what is going to happen. Okay, I took the wrong thing because what I want to do is for the other thing that peole doesn’t choose.

Basically, me & my friends were the same, we carry different heads, everyone wants their ideas to be accepted, but in the end, since I am the youngest and looks unreliable, they just ignore my opinion. We did realize this before, that we could be the BESTEST friend in the whole wide world, but we never could work under a group. The environmental assignment proves a lot. I also think that I can’t work under people or too long, please welcome me, ‘THE LITTLE MISS ARROGANT’. This teaches me one thing, I SHOULD BE MY OWN BOSS!!!

Hurm,,, I can’t wait for the end of this industrial training to be done, even though there will be something that I will miss from there. Definitely there would, but I just want to finish it before I become more depressed and got old.

I am going to be a designer, have a taste of what I like to do in the beginning. Or maybe going to learn music, whatever I like. I should at least fulfill one of my favourite things to do to at least fulfill my desire. At least once, because I mentally feel exhausted and dying inside. I feel depressed but I don’t know how to express it to people outside. I wish I could bear it but it seems too long to reach. And I still have 1 year long to get through after going for it for 3 long years. What am I going to do with my life? I need to earn my own money when I turn 26. That’s mean I still have 3 more years after I graduate, if I grad on time, okay… So now, what’s my back up plan? I still couldn’t decide it, I feel like my heart is going to explode just thinking of the whole incident of today, and the whole thing about planning. I don’t want to do anything that got to do with planning and built environment. I’LL BACK OFF SO YOU CAN LIVE BETTER!!!! 

GIve UP

I give up foreverr in planning... i really despise it now, and i feel like leaving it immediately,, finish it off and leave the planning world!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The longer i'm doing the practical training, the more i feel like i'm suitable in doing this field. i'm going to go and learn piano, or sewing.... seriously, i'm better off being a designer or muician than being a town plnner.... i always wanted that, i even write it in the SPM final exam about my dream, in 10 yrs time. Let's just say, this fews years is a trial period for me from God to let me re-think of what i want to be in my life, and now, i finally made up my mind, i want to be a musician and a fashion designer. i really will be one, i promise, i will be one...
I will be the one who earn money for my parents, with my masterpiece design, every clothes that i design turn gold, every song and lyric that i write will turn into gold too....

God, Please help me fulfill my dream.....

Good Friday

Actually it happen every year, since i watch the passion of Christ, i actually always think of how Mother Mary would feel seeing his own son being crucified and died on the cross. i always imagining myself being on her perspective. And today, after the Good Friday mass, i have decided to write one. As i write, i imagining all the event and the sequence that happened, but it eventually not that clear, i did not have a good refference, i forgot i can refer to bible and only try to find a shortcut through the Anglo Catholic book that i had, of course, the result is not the same with the one Roman catholic have for the station of the cross. In other words, my best option is to find it with one click = internet. Browse here & there, i actually found the exact things that i want to write, it's even better. So i just read it, and want to keep it here, as the memory and the things that i would liketo read every year, because it is actually a very good one. But, of course i got my doubt too, so i just ask my older sister's friend, Sister Uming to help me decide, wether it is ok or not for me to read that.

here's the link, Station of the Cross-Mother Mary Perspective

The bonding of a mother to her child is the greatest thing that ever happen in one's life..... From unborn until the last breath they take....

Weird Dreams

Let’s talk about unrealistic dream I had last few day. I was going to a field trip, or whatever it is, cause I can see my classmate in the dream, in a hotel room, which is not like a hotel room to me. and some other strangers in the room. It’s a sight in the morning where everybody had just wake up or preparing to have breakfast. Then I was going out from the room. I couldn’t remember the detail, but someone is there to pick me up. Guess who?

                It was Kim Hyung Jun, yes the handsome prince that I fancied for a long time, he was there to pick me up. But at that time, there is definitely something that I was upset about, towards him. But I obediently follow him to the car, since he is my boyfriend (that’s what I thought in the beginning) and inside the car, there is his younger sister (which is not exist in real life), and I plan to sit at the back was change because she was already sit at the back seat, so I have to sit in front.

                And to my surprise, that guy, didn’t enter the car immediately but instead, he and a little girl, around 4-5 years old taking a hose and splash the water to the car. And my anger suddenly cooled a bit because the water and the sounds of it sounds like the rain, which I like very much. Then, he take the girl into the car. This is the surprising and yet lovely part to me, a ver memorable line and make me sit and think, evry now and then even when I awake.

                “Baby, can you sit at the back? Mama have something to discuss with papa.” And I stroke the girl hair while talking to her and kiss her forehead, before I lift her to the back. She is my daughter, and me and that Hyung Jun is a married couple.

                This is not the first time I dream of I have a child, in fact, in the past I had dream that I have 3 children, with the eldest is girl. And the husband, I don’t know in the previous, but he is a person with a younger sister, and this time I dream of Hyung Jun just because I’ve been looking and thinking about him all this while.

He is wearing that shirt in my dream...very handsome...^^

                Last time I dream of I married this man and because he is married to me, his father despised him. But still, he has his own company to handle, and we have 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy. He is a mix blood guy, but either way, everytime I dream of hubby and kids, I always have this aftershock syndrome, keep thinking about it and feeling confuse and soulless.

                Not only that dream, but I also had a dream about me, a newlywed running away from my house for 1 week to my family home because we had a fight. What’s more upsetting is that he didn’t go to find me to ask me go back, because he knows how stubborn I am, and I need my own timing to cool off. But in the end I go back to him because I missed him.

                Whether the dreams is true or not, let’s just pray that the person that I am going to married in the future is a decent man.