I hate this part

What now? I know it’s lent, but I really get pissed off easily nowadays. I’m doing just fine until I open FB just now. Dang!!! What the hell??? Who is she talking about?

‘I’m not stupid. Friends should tolerate…..bla..bla..bla…’

It’s really pissed me off seeing that. There must be something about the assignment just now, I know, of course it’s involve me, damn it. It mention about friend, tolerate, stupid, and after all, we’ve been working on the project since 3pm up until 3.30am just now. and yes, I lose my temper, they lose their temper, whatever, but should it be posted in Fb just to tell everybody about it? that’s great! And yes, this will keep me awake until the dawn…. It’s has been a sleepless night for these few days… SHIT!!! I have enough of this FB and friends incident.

That’s why I hate doing works with my own friends, cause I will get angry easier when people don’t get my point, I hate to got angry but it’s in my blood, I have temper, I really quick one. And I am developing it more lately. Hot blooded, I feel like punching someone lately, whenever I am angry, I’m not sure it’s whether because of the weather or because it’s just lent, but I really can’t fight this anger. Should I just isolate myself for the best for all? I really need to get out from this country, but the luck is seem to be far away, every time I am thinking of going out of the country. I really hate this feeling. I need a space and getaway, I really am hopeless.

What is this feeling? I feel like SHIT all over. I don’t really close with my family member after what had happened to me for the last time, lost of someone dear, betrayal over and over, rejection, depression, oppression, failure, lose hope and trust. In the end I only found myself close to college friends, and they are all, even though it’s just a phase that will be changing over, as soon as we finish college, we will go our separate ways, but I still think that they are precious friends. And my whole life has always been empty, I have friends but at time, we all need time to be alone. I love being alone, but being too much alone sometimes stinks. I mean I don’t have any love interest by the moment, I don’t really interested at anybody by now, I just want to be alone. I don’t know when will I be able to date, but I think no one is good enough for me, nor I good enough for anybody, I’m not into this gambling thing. Until I meet someone I really feel attracted to, I will not try at all. I do flirt once in a while, but I’m just playing around. I’m not sure if I break some heart out there, I don’t even bother to notice that, if that ever happen, it’s just a rare occasion. I do feel the fun with that Kei ryu thing on FB, but then, I just don’t really know who he is, he knows me, but I don’t know him, so in the end, it just end that way when he happened to see me before my birthday last year and I ignore him. It’s not my intention, but I don’t wear my lens, and I just don’t even know how he looks like. Whatever, I just let thing past, he should have many girls to spare on FB, huh? And we’re just nothing. Not even something more than FB friends. Maybe being boy-friendless from birth years made me sound pathetic. And those girls might be start to complaint to their respective boyfriends about everything that happened, while I am here, upsetting with all this mess with no one to hear my whine. I might be missing Kei a bit since he hears my whines and stuff back then, giving advices and teases me, annoys me, make me happy and can’t wait to see his messages on FB. Yeah, that’s suck. But it does not affect me that much, just thinking how good it is if I had someone to whine about what had happened today. That’s it.

                Speaking of boyfriend, most of my friends think that I was sticking to my strict ideal boyfriend, but they all got me wrong. Yes, I fancy, all those light skinned, 180cm, and the Chinese look handsome boys out there, but no, I’m not considering to date any of those. I know how ugly I look sometimes. I’m not an oval faced, sharp chin, sharp nosed girl, not that slender figure lady, and oh, I’m far from SNSD girls, not even near with my heights, nope, I am well aware of that. My skin condition is so crucial, oily, large pore and blackhead, whitehead things, I am stressed myself. but I had promised myself, I had ever find a man, I would just picked someone who is good looking to my eyes, no need to be that specified on how good he looks, just good enough for me and my family like him. And he was able to respect a lady, maybe I am ill-mannered, but at least he is able to give me a respect, and respect older people. What’s better, if he is the opposite of me but have the same thing in common and interest. And only if the magnet feel really exist, yes, he is the one.

                Thing are getting harder these days, just appear to me fast. ‘Palli oppa! Naneun, gidari geoya…neomu gida lineunde jichyeoss-eo….’ I am desperately needed someone and love and support me directly, near to me, pamper me, comfort me. I need you oppa. ‘Palli wa…. Eodi-e yeo?’ I’m really going crazy these days aren’t i?

“I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye

Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing”

But I might be needing 1 now…… I have lost my mind now……….. it’s killing me so bad that I might as well liking a bad boy look since I hate being serious to a guy but I just want to date.