Good Friday

Actually it happen every year, since i watch the passion of Christ, i actually always think of how Mother Mary would feel seeing his own son being crucified and died on the cross. i always imagining myself being on her perspective. And today, after the Good Friday mass, i have decided to write one. As i write, i imagining all the event and the sequence that happened, but it eventually not that clear, i did not have a good refference, i forgot i can refer to bible and only try to find a shortcut through the Anglo Catholic book that i had, of course, the result is not the same with the one Roman catholic have for the station of the cross. In other words, my best option is to find it with one click = internet. Browse here & there, i actually found the exact things that i want to write, it's even better. So i just read it, and want to keep it here, as the memory and the things that i would liketo read every year, because it is actually a very good one. But, of course i got my doubt too, so i just ask my older sister's friend, Sister Uming to help me decide, wether it is ok or not for me to read that.

here's the link, Station of the Cross-Mother Mary Perspective

The bonding of a mother to her child is the greatest thing that ever happen in one's life..... From unborn until the last breath they take....

Weird Dreams

Let’s talk about unrealistic dream I had last few day. I was going to a field trip, or whatever it is, cause I can see my classmate in the dream, in a hotel room, which is not like a hotel room to me. and some other strangers in the room. It’s a sight in the morning where everybody had just wake up or preparing to have breakfast. Then I was going out from the room. I couldn’t remember the detail, but someone is there to pick me up. Guess who?

                It was Kim Hyung Jun, yes the handsome prince that I fancied for a long time, he was there to pick me up. But at that time, there is definitely something that I was upset about, towards him. But I obediently follow him to the car, since he is my boyfriend (that’s what I thought in the beginning) and inside the car, there is his younger sister (which is not exist in real life), and I plan to sit at the back was change because she was already sit at the back seat, so I have to sit in front.

                And to my surprise, that guy, didn’t enter the car immediately but instead, he and a little girl, around 4-5 years old taking a hose and splash the water to the car. And my anger suddenly cooled a bit because the water and the sounds of it sounds like the rain, which I like very much. Then, he take the girl into the car. This is the surprising and yet lovely part to me, a ver memorable line and make me sit and think, evry now and then even when I awake.

                “Baby, can you sit at the back? Mama have something to discuss with papa.” And I stroke the girl hair while talking to her and kiss her forehead, before I lift her to the back. She is my daughter, and me and that Hyung Jun is a married couple.

                This is not the first time I dream of I have a child, in fact, in the past I had dream that I have 3 children, with the eldest is girl. And the husband, I don’t know in the previous, but he is a person with a younger sister, and this time I dream of Hyung Jun just because I’ve been looking and thinking about him all this while.

He is wearing that shirt in my dream...very handsome...^^

                Last time I dream of I married this man and because he is married to me, his father despised him. But still, he has his own company to handle, and we have 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy. He is a mix blood guy, but either way, everytime I dream of hubby and kids, I always have this aftershock syndrome, keep thinking about it and feeling confuse and soulless.

                Not only that dream, but I also had a dream about me, a newlywed running away from my house for 1 week to my family home because we had a fight. What’s more upsetting is that he didn’t go to find me to ask me go back, because he knows how stubborn I am, and I need my own timing to cool off. But in the end I go back to him because I missed him.

                Whether the dreams is true or not, let’s just pray that the person that I am going to married in the future is a decent man. 

Study abroad

Probably i can consider this... study abroad to Korea...

University: Chung-Ang University (SNSD Yuri, BB Seungri, Actor Kim Bum, Actress Park Shin Hye attend here)

Taking: Master in Urban & Regional Planning Chung-Ang University

Apply for scholarship... press here

Must maintain CGPA between 2.64-4.00
 Must pass at least level 3 on Korean Profficiency Test..

Tears in Heaven

i never thought of it, but today is actually my brother death anniversary, i didn't even remember the date. it's been 13 years now, and i totally forget the day. i really have a long day today, starting class from 2.30pm up until 9pm, learning housing subject. Oppa, mianhae....cheongmal mianhae....="(  


The song is just for you....

Would you know my name 
If I saw you in heaven 
Will it be the same 
If I saw you in heaven 
I must be strong, and carry on 
Cause I know I don't belong 
Here in heaven 

Would you hold my hand 
If I saw you in heaven 
Would you help me stand 
If I saw you in heaven 
I'll find my way, through night and day 
Cause I know I just can't stay 
Here in heaven 

Time can bring you down 
Time can bend your knee 
Time can break your heart 
Have you begging please 
Begging please 

(instrumental) 

Beyond the door 
There's peace I'm sure. 
And I know there'll be no more... 
Tears in heaven 

Would you know my name 
If I saw you in heaven 
Will it be the same 
If I saw you in heaven 
I must be strong, and carry on 
Cause I know I don't belong 
Here in heaven 

Cause I know I don't belong 
Here in heaven 

I hate this part

What now? I know it’s lent, but I really get pissed off easily nowadays. I’m doing just fine until I open FB just now. Dang!!! What the hell??? Who is she talking about?

‘I’m not stupid. Friends should tolerate…..bla..bla..bla…’

It’s really pissed me off seeing that. There must be something about the assignment just now, I know, of course it’s involve me, damn it. It mention about friend, tolerate, stupid, and after all, we’ve been working on the project since 3pm up until 3.30am just now. and yes, I lose my temper, they lose their temper, whatever, but should it be posted in Fb just to tell everybody about it? that’s great! And yes, this will keep me awake until the dawn…. It’s has been a sleepless night for these few days… SHIT!!! I have enough of this FB and friends incident.

That’s why I hate doing works with my own friends, cause I will get angry easier when people don’t get my point, I hate to got angry but it’s in my blood, I have temper, I really quick one. And I am developing it more lately. Hot blooded, I feel like punching someone lately, whenever I am angry, I’m not sure it’s whether because of the weather or because it’s just lent, but I really can’t fight this anger. Should I just isolate myself for the best for all? I really need to get out from this country, but the luck is seem to be far away, every time I am thinking of going out of the country. I really hate this feeling. I need a space and getaway, I really am hopeless.

What is this feeling? I feel like SHIT all over. I don’t really close with my family member after what had happened to me for the last time, lost of someone dear, betrayal over and over, rejection, depression, oppression, failure, lose hope and trust. In the end I only found myself close to college friends, and they are all, even though it’s just a phase that will be changing over, as soon as we finish college, we will go our separate ways, but I still think that they are precious friends. And my whole life has always been empty, I have friends but at time, we all need time to be alone. I love being alone, but being too much alone sometimes stinks. I mean I don’t have any love interest by the moment, I don’t really interested at anybody by now, I just want to be alone. I don’t know when will I be able to date, but I think no one is good enough for me, nor I good enough for anybody, I’m not into this gambling thing. Until I meet someone I really feel attracted to, I will not try at all. I do flirt once in a while, but I’m just playing around. I’m not sure if I break some heart out there, I don’t even bother to notice that, if that ever happen, it’s just a rare occasion. I do feel the fun with that Kei ryu thing on FB, but then, I just don’t really know who he is, he knows me, but I don’t know him, so in the end, it just end that way when he happened to see me before my birthday last year and I ignore him. It’s not my intention, but I don’t wear my lens, and I just don’t even know how he looks like. Whatever, I just let thing past, he should have many girls to spare on FB, huh? And we’re just nothing. Not even something more than FB friends. Maybe being boy-friendless from birth years made me sound pathetic. And those girls might be start to complaint to their respective boyfriends about everything that happened, while I am here, upsetting with all this mess with no one to hear my whine. I might be missing Kei a bit since he hears my whines and stuff back then, giving advices and teases me, annoys me, make me happy and can’t wait to see his messages on FB. Yeah, that’s suck. But it does not affect me that much, just thinking how good it is if I had someone to whine about what had happened today. That’s it.

                Speaking of boyfriend, most of my friends think that I was sticking to my strict ideal boyfriend, but they all got me wrong. Yes, I fancy, all those light skinned, 180cm, and the Chinese look handsome boys out there, but no, I’m not considering to date any of those. I know how ugly I look sometimes. I’m not an oval faced, sharp chin, sharp nosed girl, not that slender figure lady, and oh, I’m far from SNSD girls, not even near with my heights, nope, I am well aware of that. My skin condition is so crucial, oily, large pore and blackhead, whitehead things, I am stressed myself. but I had promised myself, I had ever find a man, I would just picked someone who is good looking to my eyes, no need to be that specified on how good he looks, just good enough for me and my family like him. And he was able to respect a lady, maybe I am ill-mannered, but at least he is able to give me a respect, and respect older people. What’s better, if he is the opposite of me but have the same thing in common and interest. And only if the magnet feel really exist, yes, he is the one.

                Thing are getting harder these days, just appear to me fast. ‘Palli oppa! Naneun, gidari geoya…neomu gida lineunde jichyeoss-eo….’ I am desperately needed someone and love and support me directly, near to me, pamper me, comfort me. I need you oppa. ‘Palli wa…. Eodi-e yeo?’ I’m really going crazy these days aren’t i?

“I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye

Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing”

But I might be needing 1 now…… I have lost my mind now……….. it’s killing me so bad that I might as well liking a bad boy look since I hate being serious to a guy but I just want to date.

Inspiration, Love and song

Due to sleepless night yesterday, I go and read some fanfic. This one is totally great, I’ve never been so into the fanfic, and never read big bang fanfic. It’s just last night I came across a completed fanfic and saw this one with TOP in it. lately I’ve been so into him that I decide to read it, and it sure did not fail me. but what’s best about this fanfic is, the fact that the writer is creative enough t owrite a few fanfic that are related to each other that it become so addicted to not read the other fanfic of hers.

                Back to the fanfic with top in it, Heartless Tonight kot the title, it came together with a theme song, it’s Rihanna-Cry. It really did make the emotion stir and hurt so much as I read it along with the song, it’s causing the emotion of the character surfaces, affected my feeling as well, and I have a good cry. The TOP character in there, so cool, so cold, yet so seductive and charming, while the girl is freeze cold character, she’s way too strong of a person, reminded me of someone, especially when you hear the lyric of the song.

                “this time was different, felt like I was just a victim,

and it cut me like a knife, when you walk out of my life,

now I’m in this condition, and I got all this symptom

of a girl with a broken heart,

but no matter what you’ll never see me cry~”

the lyric is so haunting and yet the melody is so addictive that I was inspired  to write a song like that too. I don’t know what is happening, but lately I was so into a haunting (not in the scary haunting like the gothic or metal song) but just something like depressing lyrics like Rihanna-love the way you lie and Song Ji Eun- going crazy. The lyric and melody was so depressing but also filled with love and emotion that are so depressing. I’ll totally going to write something like that in the future, so just hold on and stay still as I look for inspiration….^^

Letter to heaven

this song has been created during the 1st sem of 2nd year...but i forgot to secure it, so i rewrite it again.... it is a song from IU-missing child... in the loving memory of my brother, Gerald Antonio....

How have you been my dear?

It’s been a while…

Have you been fine my dear?

Though I’m not around…

You’ve been all alone

Working hard alone

Walking into the path that’s made for you

But i hope you know what’s in my heart

c/o         Cause I’m living here alone

There’s no one here can see right through me

With my friends I try to laugh

But I still cry when I come back home

I try to move on, I try to be strong

I’ve try not to cry when I’m alone

Every prayer that I made, I hope that you can always hear me

I miss you

Do you still know my name?

Hope you remember…

Do you think of me dear?

Do you miss me now?

All the memories, anniversaries

And everything that we share together

Hopefully you will not forget it

c/o

Thanks for memories we shared

Thanks for caring for me

Thanks for coming into my life

Thanks for everything that you have made for me

I love you for the rest of time

I love you

I try to move on, I try to be strong

I’ve try not to cry when I’m alone

Every prayer that I made, I hope that you can always hear me

I miss you

Our Love story

It’s Sunday evening & I’m standing near the window ~oh

While I’m having a cup of tea

How I love the rainy day

It’s great, It’s cool, cool

And suddenly my phone is ringing & it’s you who call

Though you’re not free today

You said the first rain drop remind you of me

You know I love the rain

Happy that I always on your mind

Feel grateful I received your love

Each day & night I pray for you & me

And I promise you my love

c/o 1      I will be the same girl

                The girl who took your heart away

                And I always be there

                Through all your joys and sorrow days

                Even you’re far away

                Make sure you always in my heart

                But the only will change

                Is that I love you more each day

               

Please hold on to me, please hold on to me

Don’t ever let go, my baby boy

Cause I’m loving you, cause I’m loving you

 There are always rumors about you, gossips about me everywhere

And we fought sometimes

But they don’t even know the truth my dear, about you, about me, about us

But looking at the path we take

The journey that’s not easy to reach

And all the ups and down

And tears we shed

This love is growing strong

c/o 2      And I am very proud,

To see how far we made today

Our love still going strong

Though they just try to make us part

And I am very glad

We did not hear what people say

And be able to trust, to love, to care for each other

Please hold on to me

Up until the last final breath we take

Up until there’s no more tomorrow for us

c/o 3      I can see you my dear, in front the altar anxiously

                I can see your bright smile, as I walk through the chapel door

                And we exchange the vow, to love until the rest of time

                And you gave a warm kiss, and whisper slowly to my ear

I love you so much, I love you so much

I’ll love you forever, baby girl

I love you so much

Baby I love you too

April fool

I never really celebrated it once, not really into this prank things. But today, I really feel like I got pranked. I cried a lot today, I never been this hurt before. I think the last time I cried this much is the day I thought that Si Won is going to get married, and the day that I officially decide not to look at him anymore.

                Earlier yesterday, during Dr.Nooraini class, there was an announcement made in class, ‘whoever interested to go to Korea, please fill in your name.’ Of course you know what I feel when I finally write my name there, even though there are possibility that I will be going, I still have a doubt about it, but I am very extremely happy. I even thought of what to do, what to wear, what to buy when I got there. My friends even have a list of item for me to buy there. It’s like a dream come true for me, I thought even if I didn’t make it to Harvard Summer School, at least I will be making it for Korea Summer School. I laugh all the way back, as if I thought my days to Korea are finally going to come true, sooner than I thought. The whole day I was being exited, but there is one thing that I missed in filling the paper, I don’t write my CGPA yet. I thought it was haven’t being submitted yet, so I was taking things slow. I thought that the opportunity of going was equal to everybody, we just need to pass an interview. Silly silly me.

                This morning, I go to meet Dr. Norsiah, I go to her office to settle it down, to write down my CGPA. As soon as I told her about Korea, she said, ‘I have removed your name because of insufficient data.’ DANG!!!! I was still able to smile when she told me. but as I go to DSI, I got straight into the toilet and cry a few drops of tears due to my frustration, I cannot cry longer because I have to got back to the studio, plus, I can’t even show my tears to my friends, even the closest one, unless it’s an accident. Only after I came into my room, I cried myself to sleep. I find comfort to myself, since I can’t complain about it, I don’t even have anybody to complaint it with, and my friends have their own problem to settle.

                In the end, I just told myself, one day I will go to Korea with my own money, live there for a while, if it’s good enough maybe I could date 1 of them. I will definitely do it, because I am talented and more than the average planner. I also find the comfort in the song ‘TVXQ-She’.

“She is very prideful
She never cries
How strong of a person she is”

           

Of course, there is no one who think of me this way, no one ever took or even look at me seriously. I gave up on finding someone who will try to understand my complexes and personality.