Change in Personality

Damn,,i'm sure is a jealous freak and being very possesive over something that i dont even possess... i'm really feeling scared now... whatever is coming in front of me, i can't control myself.... i know i'm a jealouse freak frm the beginning,,, bt i didn't expect it to be so crucial...that is so scary... why i am being like this..if the thing really happen,, then it''lll be over so soon... hopefully it doesn;t that show and make everyone fed up and hate me.... =(

All i want for....

BIRTHDAY...













 A GIFT from heaven...




XMAS ????

















Also a GIFT from heaven.....



NEW YEAR???

GIFT from heaven as well...

So, dear God, plz hear me this year.... Plz send me the gift from heaven soon..... Send all my love to You....

Luv u,
XOXO
ayumi

It's my Birthday...Soon..^^

Yippee!!! it's my birthday soon, probably in 2 weeks time.... Actually i'm a bit sad since i wasn't at home celebrating my b'day..last birthday i have, we're eating out at restaurant... the past b''day too, either it's a BBQ party or anything else.... it's x as beautiful as it sounds, but of course it is the best if we're celebrating it with the family members. But this is the 2nd time i'm celebrating it away frm home... last time was in matrix, around 4 yrs ago,,, with my roomies and my neighbors...
there are also a celebrating last yr,,bt it ws ahead of my birthday,, n i am x dat surprise la,,since i can smell it beforehand... this yr,, i'm x sure if there will be celebration wif my fellow frineds,,since we all been very busy n we are a bit short of money.... eotekhae? bt if they were going to celebrate, then i;m going to be very thankful la,,, if x,, it's ok,,, i''m x expecting much anyway.... (poor me)...x to say anything, bt as far as i remember, only 1 of them ever give me b'day gift...thnx a lot peeps....but anyway, ,the rest of them have been good to me for the past 3 yrs we have been friends and it is more than enough,,, u gals r my bestest frined in the world, u know.... don't forget and ignore me when we're done studying in the future.... =)

Review 4 dis week

first of all, after going to the class and been through the whole week, i think taking green neighborhood thesis is not dat bad,,,, I hv to bear with the lecturer though, but it still better be done in order for me to retrieve a gud research topic, retrieve my shame towards the things that happen during my internship, etc.
FYI, my thesis topic is officially on Backlanes.... yup, a very controversial 1, since it is going to be "DO WE REALLY NEED BACKLANES?" I really have to work my hardest to convince the board of planners to accept my title, and also to convince the planner outside UTM on my thesis outcome in the latter part.... but the challenge probably could help a lot in earning points for gud grades in thesis, if by GOD's will.

                              *                                                *                                                              *

I saw a weird post in the FB, someone is whining abt x having someone to turn to when is needing it.... whatever it is,, i do feel bad for dat person, coz i let out all my anger and stress and worries toward dat person, and dat person have nobody to tell abt it..... it's' own stress adding up with all my complaints, probably could make dat people aging faster than previously,,,,hahhaa,,,, I only can say: "Gud Luck.."

the rest of my life for this week is quite busy, since the convo, i still hv to catch up with the studio, and get my transport assignment done.... i even caught a flu + sore throat..now i started to lose my voice, bt dis is due to the 3 hr karox session in addition of the sore throat la.... hopefully i can recover over the weekend....

xoxo =P

Dream High???

Should i say this or not??? Cause i didn't even DARE to DREAM anymore..... =(

Every time i wanted a thing the most in my life,, i never get it..... I don't even know who to blame..is it my destiny who always turn the things way around, or because i never deserve it or because i never fight for it with my whole life.... Maybe i just like being play safe all the time.... because i am x smart enough...

For this whole year,, there are too many incident that makes me relize that,,,, the Korea GOP program, the Indonesia GOP program, the last convo singing competition, and just recently, theTHESIS field of study....

Anyone who is taking the green Neighborhood option with Dr. Rafee must do the thesis with him, with his selected topic... if x, i also x know the consequences, but it is a bit hard for me to fight because i also didn't know what hold my future..... Just hoping that this thing would work out well and i quit listening to others....

ALL DA BEST, dear AiMe.....

Again... Neo ra go...

I have an FB chat with him 2 days ago, & dat makes me feels good abt it... I was like feeling release of all my concious & my maddness over him. Ever since then, i really feel release & gud,, probably if i decide to get over him after this, it won''t be that hard.... PLus, i didn't even have a severe heartbeating compare to the moment with the Viet guy, or the other guy that i like.... Whatever la~
Ok,,,, i feel gud,, i feel fine & jz sleepy, i try to train myself to not sleeping in the evening, bt instead, i still wasting my time on the internet.... should've done something better right? SO, i got to go now,, I need to plan the days ahead me.....

Get it over

I HATE U!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is all i want to say everytime i saw him in my FB and when he become offline for chat.... i just trying to forget him, but dat''s hard...i don't even feel a thing when i saw my crush yesterday, because of him... i lose all my senses.... stupid AMY.... Let's get over him soon, okay?

From today onwards, i would like to declare that i will live my own life,,, n not disturbing others...I really feels like a fool,, trying to get ___ attention once in a while n get totally ignored,,,, Stupid cat.... it is worst than the time when i was fooling around with the Vietnamese guy... at least i know my position back then,,, this time it is totally out of control,,, silly girl... WTH am i thinking abt??? Don't it seem hurting myself by doing this? It's really hurt, you know????? Do u really know abt it? All this while i really thought that we all can keep a healthy relationship, even if what i want doesn't work out, but what have u done? I cant believe i was fooled by the sight of you just a month ago,,, and i actually taking your words seriously... hahaaha.... what a fool.... I don't know what to think anymore,,, Whether to think it positively, like, ,you are interpreting my reaction on the last in the wrong way,, like i was so happy to leave you behind....  or the fact that it was over the moment we all stepping out off the place..

The memories i had was like a fiction,,, 2 months with so many stories to tell, and the ending is just like that,,, if i sell the stories, the people who read it will be very upset with the ending.... And me, have to start from scrap again,,, Deleting all the things i have written and starting to write a new story again,,just like 1 year ago, during the summer too... But that was a bit fun,,, i experience many things within 10days,,, and i get a souvenir, friendship, hatred, jealousy, loss of frens,, what else, i got it all in 10 days.... but nothing is as painful as this time.... it's only creating a scandal and big news, but it's not fun at all... OK... stop it... You are getting ignore anyway....  Padan muka kamu,, who ask you to be a minta puji type of girl,, everywhere u go u minta puji,,, now u loss one of ur source of minta puji, u hurt urself... Now only can minta puji with colleague at Station 1,, even then, they are going to be bored with u sooner or later... especially the matured ones, the 'dongsaeng', probably xla,,since they are cute little 'dongsaeng'.... bla..bla...bla... 

( While write this, i listening to 丁当-我爱他）

 P/S：我不爱他，只喜欢他。。。 

Nowadays, i spend most of my time cuci mata with the customers at my workplace,,, dat''s a fun thing to do...hehehe.... Only now i realize there are many handsome guys in kuching.. i know there are lots of pretty girls, but not handsome guy.... Working there make me see alll the hotties in Kuching... And yesterday,, a cute guy keep looking at me like once in a few minutes, how cute... but i am not too sure myself, is he looking because i am cute or because i look pathetic...hahahha.... anyway, last week i saw my brother in law (kkkk.....), U-kiss (ex-member) Kibum lookalike,,,, seriously,,, very handsome and with the height of 180++cm,,, Kibum usually doesn't look dat handsome when he is standing with his fellow members, or when he is standing next to his older brother,,, but seeing someone looks like him really make me think that he is actually very good looking in real life.... And this is x the first time i saw his lookalike,,, last time a saw a real korean in KL, looking like him in Monorail station... this time, he is probably a Malay or chinese la, i'm x too sure myself.... 

My other activities is fooling around with my colleague there... It's quite fun.... It really helps in keeping the tension away,,, well, working anywhere can cause tension.....

My first job….hehehe…

Finally, the time has come… I finally get my first part time job after a few years trying to get a part time job. This year, I am really needed to get the job since I am desperately in need to travel and shop. I can’t afford to ask my parents for more since their income also not much nowadays. I am not really excited about it though, since I know working field is much harder, especially when you have to face so many clients. I know it’s going to be harder than WP, for sure, no more fun time, always serious & most of all, I know myself too well. Even other people notice about it, that I am a very careless person, and I am too forgetful, so how am I going to minimize my mistakes? Gosh!!!

                I’ve been talking about this, but not about what kind of job did I apply. Actually, I applied for waitress. Yes, me being a waitress. It sounds impossible, but I actually did it. even the people at  the store also have this weird expression, that I actually applied for that, they thought we are only going there to chill, since me & Den is being too stylish kot…hehehe… This cute face is going to be a waitress tomorrow, oh my God!!! How would I be? It’s freaking scary world. Plus, I know that most of the Chinese would be there, just hope that Gab would x be there, otherwise, he will make fun of me again, that guy, he bully me a lot…eeee…. 

                But I actually would love to sing there, if only I got a chance to perform live, there. Seriously, I always want to perform live at station 1, but I do fear that I am x good enough to sing at open place like that, probably I can only sing at karaoke room, I’m not sure too. Hopefully there will be more chances for me to sing in the public one day, so that at least I have satisfaction towards myself. while I am young, I would like to try something different at least once in my life, and be proud of it no matter what is the outcome….

Xoxo, all time favourite gal

FRiends VS Betrayal... (Boring post)

Hi, feel good to write again.. it’s been a long day since I last write the post,, since it feels scary to me that anyone might be reading my post even though I never gave this blog’s link to other people,, It’s spooky but I always have this fear.

                Let’s talk about betrayal and all the things that got in between in it. Hate to say this, but I know some of the BFF I have did betray me once in a while, it’s obvious. But what can I say?? I’ve been through this a lot, I have a lot of friends that have betrays me, not only friends that I have, but also family, especially my cousins…yeah, better watch out cause we can’t trust other people.  

                My so called BFF(oh is it really BFF?), from all the level of education I’ve been, always betray me. My high school friend, my matrix friends, and even my uni friends, there have been not even once in my life that people being sincere to me. From my elementary years, I don’t really have one, since my dad keep on transfer, and I transfer school too often, but one thing for sure, they are also from the popular clique, well, I never been too far from the popular clique. Probably I look most pathetic there.  I never feel it that way. To be honest, I think I never had a real friend in my life, or maybe I was blind or whatsoever, but I feel it that way. And I just being dumb and forgive them, as if nothing happen, and treating them like normal. I guess that is why I always being cold and doesn’t talk much. And even I do appear like I am telling everything to every single BFF I have, the truth is, there are things that I keep to myself, only me, no one else, most probably if ever need to talk about it, it will be on this blog, or perhaps, any animal that I have, at least, they can’t tell it to another human being. And probably the reasons why I have built this tall and thick wall, probably as thick as the Great Wall of China around me, so that no one can really came near me, the nearest they can get is 5cm close and there is still a spell that I casted long ago… =P

                My high school friends, from my form 1-form 2, I have this group of friends, most of them are popular girl at school. We are close, but we never really hangout outside of school. Why? Because I was jailed in the house. I don’t have anything fun that I can remember when I was in the high school. My whole life is being blocked by my mum, she is the queen and all I can do is to listen to her. But back then, I was not as rebellious as I am now. Up to form 3, my class has changed, got new friends and I thought that she is a real close friend. We are quite close up until form 5. We always be seen together, but yes, there are walls, we didn’t really tell each other secret, because we don’t trust each other, and plus, we are actually competitors with each other. My situation is like, people like to be friends with me but at the same time, they always got something to hate about me, eventually we are just friends with benefit. But the miserable thing is actually happen in the matrix. Where I actually enroll for 1 yr program and she had 2 yrs program. That’s when she feel defeated and decide to being a jerk and ignore me, and we did stop being friends for 2 years and only back to what is used to be when she got into the uni. And I, just make it as if nothing had happened before and still being her friend. Well, just let it be, she was once a friend, and will always be one, plus, I have a lot of other friends around if she decide to leave again. And I still going to welcome her if she wants to be friends again.

                My uni friends, actually they are the people who are a lot closer to me. they are the bestest friends I ever had. We open up a bit, being crazy a lot, and have fun a lot for all this while. But there are some particular friend that betrayed the rest of us, and did major damage to all of us. Probably that person will never get into me again, if she tries, plus, I am just a nobody and a ‘kawan biasa’, no big deal. But apart from that character, there are also someone, who, I can’t trust too much, due to her childishness and unpredictable temper. She always betray me and cursed me when she get mad, but being a nice person when she cools down. I am confused too, but she is a person that I don’t know how to react to this situation. But even though my uni BFF did betray me once in a while, I think that my friendship with them are the best. And the most precious of all. 

Can u keep a secret pt 2

Here’s the story, about that guy I talked abt earlier...Well, based on my personality, and wat ppl generally know, I love handsome guy very much, very2 much, much more than words can say. In fact, based on my crush history and the celebrity crush report, most of them are the most popular guy or handsome guy in the group. TVXQ-Jaejoong, SJ-Siwon, Big Bang- TOP, SS501-hyung jun, Ukiss-Eli… I don’t mind about the body or character, but the face does matter in the first place. Even for the guy I have crush in the past, they are all the popular guy out there. They are at least a leader in group or the person that every girl put an eye on. It’s always like that, mostly they are a leader in some organization and whatever it is, main point is, having the leadership quality and full with charisma…

                But this time, for my surprise, a person appear and give me his attention and he is does not fit the criteria of the ideal guy up there. Not that tall, nor handsome nor leader in anything, I guess, he is not even popular guy, I supposed. But the only charm that I see is that he is very kind, hardworking and very caring and give extra attention to us, and I like that, ‘I am miss attention seeker, hehehehe… so probably I spend more time playing around with him, since I know it’s going to end soon and I don’t want to regret and have bad memories on this LI for this year. Well, things goes well, except, I’m not sure if I like him or what. But I feel like biasa only, not the butterfly in the stomach or racing heartbeat. But I do feel upset if he didn’t give attention to me, or he ignores me, or is not warm enough. And I do feel happy if he came up and joke around. And most of all for all things that remind me of him, I feel happy though, even though in the end, we separated, but still it is sweet enough to be remembered. Truth is, he enter my dream very often juga as watak x penting. There is still hyung jun and Siwon there, he is just a character in the office that I happened to go.

                1 more thing is, he did apologize for not going upstair to check on our progress last week. For no reason, he apologized, but for no reason and nothing else to say, I told him ‘it’s ok.’ That’s funny and cute right? Hahaha…but he is just him. We’re just trying to be nice to each other because we know the end is coming near, and we don’t wanna miss it and regret the things that we could do together. We just go with the flow. Isn’t that nice? Whatever it is, I’m thankful to God for the meeting, it’s nice to know him in a short period of time, and hopefully I could a person like him in the future.

                                                                                                                                                XOXO

                                                                                                                                                    

Fond????

 can u keep a secret???
I think i have a crush on a person but i jz don't knw wat to do? coz i am x sure how we both feel... probably the feeling would fade sooner or later for me,, he probably x into me ...hahaha.... but i seriously think that i will miss him so much these coming few weeks, coz i grow fond of him... he is suh a nice older brother... i miss my brother kot, this causes me to feel this way...either way, probably i have lots of older brother (x really, only 2 left), that i crave for attention from him.... i really love attention, i am attention seeker,, and he gave me ome of this attention during this few weeks in the practical training sesion,, so i guess i just crave for more attention... i really wanting for more... i know this is temporary,,well, as usual, i would give extra attention on someone, until i got tired and bored, or up until the person got tired due to my unresponsiveness, then it will ends... hahahaha...
But still, i seriously gonna miss him, the day we go our separate ways,... ( the end of LI, which is 19 July)... Probably we will never see each other again,,,
but if one day our path crossed and we can finally met again, hopefully we meet in a good ways, since i only wanted good memory with him,,, hehehe.....

SHUT UP!!!!

Every Friday, coming back from the office would be the most sucks moment of my life, every criticism make me feel sick and hate being in this planning course. I wasn’t looking for this, I just doing fine by my own, what is the purpose of taking this course now is more clearer to me, it’s all a waste of time, that is too bad. The people there are fine, as a friend, but not as my colleague. It’s not that they are not good, but I am the one that is not good with people, I can’t cope with people’s reaction over my work, the work that I not satisfy with. And the worst part is, I know what I do, but everything that I do, my friends just reject it, and I started to feel bad about what is going to happen. Okay, I took the wrong thing because what I want to do is for the other thing that peole doesn’t choose.

Basically, me & my friends were the same, we carry different heads, everyone wants their ideas to be accepted, but in the end, since I am the youngest and looks unreliable, they just ignore my opinion. We did realize this before, that we could be the BESTEST friend in the whole wide world, but we never could work under a group. The environmental assignment proves a lot. I also think that I can’t work under people or too long, please welcome me, ‘THE LITTLE MISS ARROGANT’. This teaches me one thing, I SHOULD BE MY OWN BOSS!!!

Hurm,,, I can’t wait for the end of this industrial training to be done, even though there will be something that I will miss from there. Definitely there would, but I just want to finish it before I become more depressed and got old.

I am going to be a designer, have a taste of what I like to do in the beginning. Or maybe going to learn music, whatever I like. I should at least fulfill one of my favourite things to do to at least fulfill my desire. At least once, because I mentally feel exhausted and dying inside. I feel depressed but I don’t know how to express it to people outside. I wish I could bear it but it seems too long to reach. And I still have 1 year long to get through after going for it for 3 long years. What am I going to do with my life? I need to earn my own money when I turn 26. That’s mean I still have 3 more years after I graduate, if I grad on time, okay… So now, what’s my back up plan? I still couldn’t decide it, I feel like my heart is going to explode just thinking of the whole incident of today, and the whole thing about planning. I don’t want to do anything that got to do with planning and built environment. I’LL BACK OFF SO YOU CAN LIVE BETTER!!!! 

GIve UP

I give up foreverr in planning... i really despise it now, and i feel like leaving it immediately,, finish it off and leave the planning world!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The longer i'm doing the practical training, the more i feel like i'm suitable in doing this field. i'm going to go and learn piano, or sewing.... seriously, i'm better off being a designer or muician than being a town plnner.... i always wanted that, i even write it in the SPM final exam about my dream, in 10 yrs time. Let's just say, this fews years is a trial period for me from God to let me re-think of what i want to be in my life, and now, i finally made up my mind, i want to be a musician and a fashion designer. i really will be one, i promise, i will be one...
I will be the one who earn money for my parents, with my masterpiece design, every clothes that i design turn gold, every song and lyric that i write will turn into gold too....

God, Please help me fulfill my dream.....

Good Friday

Actually it happen every year, since i watch the passion of Christ, i actually always think of how Mother Mary would feel seeing his own son being crucified and died on the cross. i always imagining myself being on her perspective. And today, after the Good Friday mass, i have decided to write one. As i write, i imagining all the event and the sequence that happened, but it eventually not that clear, i did not have a good refference, i forgot i can refer to bible and only try to find a shortcut through the Anglo Catholic book that i had, of course, the result is not the same with the one Roman catholic have for the station of the cross. In other words, my best option is to find it with one click = internet. Browse here & there, i actually found the exact things that i want to write, it's even better. So i just read it, and want to keep it here, as the memory and the things that i would liketo read every year, because it is actually a very good one. But, of course i got my doubt too, so i just ask my older sister's friend, Sister Uming to help me decide, wether it is ok or not for me to read that.

here's the link, Station of the Cross-Mother Mary Perspective

The bonding of a mother to her child is the greatest thing that ever happen in one's life..... From unborn until the last breath they take....

Weird Dreams

Let’s talk about unrealistic dream I had last few day. I was going to a field trip, or whatever it is, cause I can see my classmate in the dream, in a hotel room, which is not like a hotel room to me. and some other strangers in the room. It’s a sight in the morning where everybody had just wake up or preparing to have breakfast. Then I was going out from the room. I couldn’t remember the detail, but someone is there to pick me up. Guess who?

                It was Kim Hyung Jun, yes the handsome prince that I fancied for a long time, he was there to pick me up. But at that time, there is definitely something that I was upset about, towards him. But I obediently follow him to the car, since he is my boyfriend (that’s what I thought in the beginning) and inside the car, there is his younger sister (which is not exist in real life), and I plan to sit at the back was change because she was already sit at the back seat, so I have to sit in front.

                And to my surprise, that guy, didn’t enter the car immediately but instead, he and a little girl, around 4-5 years old taking a hose and splash the water to the car. And my anger suddenly cooled a bit because the water and the sounds of it sounds like the rain, which I like very much. Then, he take the girl into the car. This is the surprising and yet lovely part to me, a ver memorable line and make me sit and think, evry now and then even when I awake.

                “Baby, can you sit at the back? Mama have something to discuss with papa.” And I stroke the girl hair while talking to her and kiss her forehead, before I lift her to the back. She is my daughter, and me and that Hyung Jun is a married couple.

                This is not the first time I dream of I have a child, in fact, in the past I had dream that I have 3 children, with the eldest is girl. And the husband, I don’t know in the previous, but he is a person with a younger sister, and this time I dream of Hyung Jun just because I’ve been looking and thinking about him all this while.

He is wearing that shirt in my dream...very handsome...^^

                Last time I dream of I married this man and because he is married to me, his father despised him. But still, he has his own company to handle, and we have 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy. He is a mix blood guy, but either way, everytime I dream of hubby and kids, I always have this aftershock syndrome, keep thinking about it and feeling confuse and soulless.

                Not only that dream, but I also had a dream about me, a newlywed running away from my house for 1 week to my family home because we had a fight. What’s more upsetting is that he didn’t go to find me to ask me go back, because he knows how stubborn I am, and I need my own timing to cool off. But in the end I go back to him because I missed him.

                Whether the dreams is true or not, let’s just pray that the person that I am going to married in the future is a decent man. 

Study abroad

Probably i can consider this... study abroad to Korea...

University: Chung-Ang University (SNSD Yuri, BB Seungri, Actor Kim Bum, Actress Park Shin Hye attend here)

Taking: Master in Urban & Regional Planning Chung-Ang University

Apply for scholarship... press here

Must maintain CGPA between 2.64-4.00
 Must pass at least level 3 on Korean Profficiency Test..

Tears in Heaven

i never thought of it, but today is actually my brother death anniversary, i didn't even remember the date. it's been 13 years now, and i totally forget the day. i really have a long day today, starting class from 2.30pm up until 9pm, learning housing subject. Oppa, mianhae....cheongmal mianhae....="(  


The song is just for you....

Would you know my name 
If I saw you in heaven 
Will it be the same 
If I saw you in heaven 
I must be strong, and carry on 
Cause I know I don't belong 
Here in heaven 

Would you hold my hand 
If I saw you in heaven 
Would you help me stand 
If I saw you in heaven 
I'll find my way, through night and day 
Cause I know I just can't stay 
Here in heaven 

Time can bring you down 
Time can bend your knee 
Time can break your heart 
Have you begging please 
Begging please 

(instrumental) 

Beyond the door 
There's peace I'm sure. 
And I know there'll be no more... 
Tears in heaven 

Would you know my name 
If I saw you in heaven 
Will it be the same 
If I saw you in heaven 
I must be strong, and carry on 
Cause I know I don't belong 
Here in heaven 

Cause I know I don't belong 
Here in heaven 

I hate this part

What now? I know it’s lent, but I really get pissed off easily nowadays. I’m doing just fine until I open FB just now. Dang!!! What the hell??? Who is she talking about?

‘I’m not stupid. Friends should tolerate…..bla..bla..bla…’

It’s really pissed me off seeing that. There must be something about the assignment just now, I know, of course it’s involve me, damn it. It mention about friend, tolerate, stupid, and after all, we’ve been working on the project since 3pm up until 3.30am just now. and yes, I lose my temper, they lose their temper, whatever, but should it be posted in Fb just to tell everybody about it? that’s great! And yes, this will keep me awake until the dawn…. It’s has been a sleepless night for these few days… SHIT!!! I have enough of this FB and friends incident.

That’s why I hate doing works with my own friends, cause I will get angry easier when people don’t get my point, I hate to got angry but it’s in my blood, I have temper, I really quick one. And I am developing it more lately. Hot blooded, I feel like punching someone lately, whenever I am angry, I’m not sure it’s whether because of the weather or because it’s just lent, but I really can’t fight this anger. Should I just isolate myself for the best for all? I really need to get out from this country, but the luck is seem to be far away, every time I am thinking of going out of the country. I really hate this feeling. I need a space and getaway, I really am hopeless.

What is this feeling? I feel like SHIT all over. I don’t really close with my family member after what had happened to me for the last time, lost of someone dear, betrayal over and over, rejection, depression, oppression, failure, lose hope and trust. In the end I only found myself close to college friends, and they are all, even though it’s just a phase that will be changing over, as soon as we finish college, we will go our separate ways, but I still think that they are precious friends. And my whole life has always been empty, I have friends but at time, we all need time to be alone. I love being alone, but being too much alone sometimes stinks. I mean I don’t have any love interest by the moment, I don’t really interested at anybody by now, I just want to be alone. I don’t know when will I be able to date, but I think no one is good enough for me, nor I good enough for anybody, I’m not into this gambling thing. Until I meet someone I really feel attracted to, I will not try at all. I do flirt once in a while, but I’m just playing around. I’m not sure if I break some heart out there, I don’t even bother to notice that, if that ever happen, it’s just a rare occasion. I do feel the fun with that Kei ryu thing on FB, but then, I just don’t really know who he is, he knows me, but I don’t know him, so in the end, it just end that way when he happened to see me before my birthday last year and I ignore him. It’s not my intention, but I don’t wear my lens, and I just don’t even know how he looks like. Whatever, I just let thing past, he should have many girls to spare on FB, huh? And we’re just nothing. Not even something more than FB friends. Maybe being boy-friendless from birth years made me sound pathetic. And those girls might be start to complaint to their respective boyfriends about everything that happened, while I am here, upsetting with all this mess with no one to hear my whine. I might be missing Kei a bit since he hears my whines and stuff back then, giving advices and teases me, annoys me, make me happy and can’t wait to see his messages on FB. Yeah, that’s suck. But it does not affect me that much, just thinking how good it is if I had someone to whine about what had happened today. That’s it.

                Speaking of boyfriend, most of my friends think that I was sticking to my strict ideal boyfriend, but they all got me wrong. Yes, I fancy, all those light skinned, 180cm, and the Chinese look handsome boys out there, but no, I’m not considering to date any of those. I know how ugly I look sometimes. I’m not an oval faced, sharp chin, sharp nosed girl, not that slender figure lady, and oh, I’m far from SNSD girls, not even near with my heights, nope, I am well aware of that. My skin condition is so crucial, oily, large pore and blackhead, whitehead things, I am stressed myself. but I had promised myself, I had ever find a man, I would just picked someone who is good looking to my eyes, no need to be that specified on how good he looks, just good enough for me and my family like him. And he was able to respect a lady, maybe I am ill-mannered, but at least he is able to give me a respect, and respect older people. What’s better, if he is the opposite of me but have the same thing in common and interest. And only if the magnet feel really exist, yes, he is the one.

                Thing are getting harder these days, just appear to me fast. ‘Palli oppa! Naneun, gidari geoya…neomu gida lineunde jichyeoss-eo….’ I am desperately needed someone and love and support me directly, near to me, pamper me, comfort me. I need you oppa. ‘Palli wa…. Eodi-e yeo?’ I’m really going crazy these days aren’t i?

“I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye

Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing”

But I might be needing 1 now…… I have lost my mind now……….. it’s killing me so bad that I might as well liking a bad boy look since I hate being serious to a guy but I just want to date.

Inspiration, Love and song

Due to sleepless night yesterday, I go and read some fanfic. This one is totally great, I’ve never been so into the fanfic, and never read big bang fanfic. It’s just last night I came across a completed fanfic and saw this one with TOP in it. lately I’ve been so into him that I decide to read it, and it sure did not fail me. but what’s best about this fanfic is, the fact that the writer is creative enough t owrite a few fanfic that are related to each other that it become so addicted to not read the other fanfic of hers.

                Back to the fanfic with top in it, Heartless Tonight kot the title, it came together with a theme song, it’s Rihanna-Cry. It really did make the emotion stir and hurt so much as I read it along with the song, it’s causing the emotion of the character surfaces, affected my feeling as well, and I have a good cry. The TOP character in there, so cool, so cold, yet so seductive and charming, while the girl is freeze cold character, she’s way too strong of a person, reminded me of someone, especially when you hear the lyric of the song.

                “this time was different, felt like I was just a victim,

and it cut me like a knife, when you walk out of my life,

now I’m in this condition, and I got all this symptom

of a girl with a broken heart,

but no matter what you’ll never see me cry~”

the lyric is so haunting and yet the melody is so addictive that I was inspired  to write a song like that too. I don’t know what is happening, but lately I was so into a haunting (not in the scary haunting like the gothic or metal song) but just something like depressing lyrics like Rihanna-love the way you lie and Song Ji Eun- going crazy. The lyric and melody was so depressing but also filled with love and emotion that are so depressing. I’ll totally going to write something like that in the future, so just hold on and stay still as I look for inspiration….^^

Letter to heaven

this song has been created during the 1st sem of 2nd year...but i forgot to secure it, so i rewrite it again.... it is a song from IU-missing child... in the loving memory of my brother, Gerald Antonio....

How have you been my dear?

It’s been a while…

Have you been fine my dear?

Though I’m not around…

You’ve been all alone

Working hard alone

Walking into the path that’s made for you

But i hope you know what’s in my heart

c/o         Cause I’m living here alone

There’s no one here can see right through me

With my friends I try to laugh

But I still cry when I come back home

I try to move on, I try to be strong

I’ve try not to cry when I’m alone

Every prayer that I made, I hope that you can always hear me

I miss you

Do you still know my name?

Hope you remember…

Do you think of me dear?

Do you miss me now?

All the memories, anniversaries

And everything that we share together

Hopefully you will not forget it

c/o

Thanks for memories we shared

Thanks for caring for me

Thanks for coming into my life

Thanks for everything that you have made for me

I love you for the rest of time

I love you

I try to move on, I try to be strong

I’ve try not to cry when I’m alone

Every prayer that I made, I hope that you can always hear me

I miss you

Our Love story

It’s Sunday evening & I’m standing near the window ~oh

While I’m having a cup of tea

How I love the rainy day

It’s great, It’s cool, cool

And suddenly my phone is ringing & it’s you who call

Though you’re not free today

You said the first rain drop remind you of me

You know I love the rain

Happy that I always on your mind

Feel grateful I received your love

Each day & night I pray for you & me

And I promise you my love

c/o 1      I will be the same girl

                The girl who took your heart away

                And I always be there

                Through all your joys and sorrow days

                Even you’re far away

                Make sure you always in my heart

                But the only will change

                Is that I love you more each day

               

Please hold on to me, please hold on to me

Don’t ever let go, my baby boy

Cause I’m loving you, cause I’m loving you

 There are always rumors about you, gossips about me everywhere

And we fought sometimes

But they don’t even know the truth my dear, about you, about me, about us

But looking at the path we take

The journey that’s not easy to reach

And all the ups and down

And tears we shed

This love is growing strong

c/o 2      And I am very proud,

To see how far we made today

Our love still going strong

Though they just try to make us part

And I am very glad

We did not hear what people say

And be able to trust, to love, to care for each other

Please hold on to me

Up until the last final breath we take

Up until there’s no more tomorrow for us

c/o 3      I can see you my dear, in front the altar anxiously

                I can see your bright smile, as I walk through the chapel door

                And we exchange the vow, to love until the rest of time

                And you gave a warm kiss, and whisper slowly to my ear

I love you so much, I love you so much

I’ll love you forever, baby girl

I love you so much

Baby I love you too

April fool

I never really celebrated it once, not really into this prank things. But today, I really feel like I got pranked. I cried a lot today, I never been this hurt before. I think the last time I cried this much is the day I thought that Si Won is going to get married, and the day that I officially decide not to look at him anymore.

                Earlier yesterday, during Dr.Nooraini class, there was an announcement made in class, ‘whoever interested to go to Korea, please fill in your name.’ Of course you know what I feel when I finally write my name there, even though there are possibility that I will be going, I still have a doubt about it, but I am very extremely happy. I even thought of what to do, what to wear, what to buy when I got there. My friends even have a list of item for me to buy there. It’s like a dream come true for me, I thought even if I didn’t make it to Harvard Summer School, at least I will be making it for Korea Summer School. I laugh all the way back, as if I thought my days to Korea are finally going to come true, sooner than I thought. The whole day I was being exited, but there is one thing that I missed in filling the paper, I don’t write my CGPA yet. I thought it was haven’t being submitted yet, so I was taking things slow. I thought that the opportunity of going was equal to everybody, we just need to pass an interview. Silly silly me.

                This morning, I go to meet Dr. Norsiah, I go to her office to settle it down, to write down my CGPA. As soon as I told her about Korea, she said, ‘I have removed your name because of insufficient data.’ DANG!!!! I was still able to smile when she told me. but as I go to DSI, I got straight into the toilet and cry a few drops of tears due to my frustration, I cannot cry longer because I have to got back to the studio, plus, I can’t even show my tears to my friends, even the closest one, unless it’s an accident. Only after I came into my room, I cried myself to sleep. I find comfort to myself, since I can’t complain about it, I don’t even have anybody to complaint it with, and my friends have their own problem to settle.

                In the end, I just told myself, one day I will go to Korea with my own money, live there for a while, if it’s good enough maybe I could date 1 of them. I will definitely do it, because I am talented and more than the average planner. I also find the comfort in the song ‘TVXQ-She’.

“She is very prideful
She never cries
How strong of a person she is”

           

Of course, there is no one who think of me this way, no one ever took or even look at me seriously. I gave up on finding someone who will try to understand my complexes and personality.